Writers Jam

it rumbles through my veins.

hey, so, how are you doing? same old, same old?

i met you in my dream once, you know, before you left,
saw you smiling at me, just as you always did,
saw you step out of the moving vehicle, smiling still,
saw you lying through your teeth, hiding, as you always did.

but you held no hands out for me to reach,
to bring you back, to not let you leave.

you always saw me though,
moving in and out of your life with my makeshift care,
unaware and guilty, just enough to avert my eyes, never linger.
what a bystander i had become,
not tactful enough to show up but always be aware.

did you take your beloved with you, your lil radio, when you came to say goodbye?
i understand what it meant to you, as what music means to me these days.

you had only ever called me twice.

when i bought you its charger, for a price more than you liked,
the remorse for your need kept eating you alive.
that’s when you spewed your anger,
and i heard you for the very first time.

your voice sounded small though the next time,
as if it was unfolding after a long, long while.
you thanked me, told me you were grateful,
as if you owed me for being nice to you,
as if you didn’t deserve it, even as a virtue.

i remember you crying and i remember looking away.
i remember shame and my ignorance.
there was more to my life than helping someone stay afloat.
i don't remember you dying, i needed to be irresponsible.

i needed to pretend i never saw or i'd have never left.
but tell me, did you wait your entire life to feel worthy of care?
you left to find your place far away from here.
i don't blame you but i wish i had seen you sooner.

your quiet squeeze on my shoulders,
your unwavering, selfless care,
i’m sorry i didn't call you more often,
i’m sorry i didn't realise this before you left.

the birthdays in your calendar, the phone calls you always made,
i’ll remember them for you now, i need to make you stay.
i thought you held the keys, i thought you knew
what you were could never be replaced.

so how could you turn into ashes, how could you not stay?

when you said your last goodbye
i died a little bit inside.
— 'all i want' by kodaline